Questioning my Why?

First let me discuss the hell I went through. Got bullied in grammar school, Got bullied in the beginning of high school, picked and criticized by family, I got a mental illness at the age of 21 years old where I had my first episode, I had two addictions on with scratch off’s and one with sex, which I won’t go into detail. also an abusive friend that wasn’t compassionate about my views in life and gave me credit when I was trying to help.


This is my story in life. Not to mention three years ago I had broke up with my ex which made me question my why? I wondered if I was doing everything right why was I not going anywhere in life, why didn’t I have that romance and love I wanted, when I seriously thought it was going to last a lifetime. Hell I went through hell with my life I didn’t deserve the pain I faced. I had problem of still living with my parents and feeling trapped in a house where even if I wanted to invite the opposite sex to live we could not do it because of strict rules like parents. And the mental health system does the same thing they don’t permit opposite sex into each other’s room if they are clients. They have every right to love and have children just like anyone else and isn’t that what the system is supposed to teach them how to live with a family and deal with the opposite sex. Some do but this was the past.

I take offense to it, we are given drugs that my prevent us to have kids or impair our childs well being all for this drugs and no telling what that will do to me. Just because I am on Depakote which cause birth defects and Risperdone which decreases sperm level a level that is supposed to generate men being men.

Men’s beast are tamed, but is this a curse at the same time, many of us are sedated that men can not be men and women are expected to dominate the society now.

I am in favor of women having power in society, society needs to respect the role of men and women in society. And it should be like a partnership where both individuals should love care and teach each other to grow. Instead relationships are built on how bad you can hurt another and not truly love. Sure we have our flaws, but we need to work with each other. I was with my ex for 6 years and we grew apart it happened because we didn’t share the same vision. I respect her, but she didn’t want me anymore she wanted to be happy and free with her life. She knew that she could not provide what she could not give me and she had to let me go so I could find someone who would let me have what I am looking for. What I didn’t realize is that she loved me in a different way despite me getting upset about her. She didn’t tell me in words, but just told me in action. For that I respect her.

She has done more for me and helped me to relax when I couldn’t relax. She was there for me so Thank You, but I’ve got to move on and my time will come where I will love again.

Three Months later and I have loved again. I met you in my life when I had been going to a bar called The Main after my breakup I had been talking to a woman who was a friend, but didn’t give the love that I wanted she helped me get my mind of my problems until I found myself again, but we were going down that path and I saw it. I got out of that situation. I at that time started introducing myself to a woman every day as my friend on the Podcast suggested.

When I broke up I started the dating site called Badoo amongst other dating sites. I had not been on it for awhile and then one day I was on and I saw a request from Justina and we started talking that day. She said she was from Ghana and she lived with her uncle. I was accusing her in the beginning and I felt bad, I had to make sure she was real and loyal and would help me out to earn our trust and we built each other’s trust. She did what I asked for her to do. I found out online about a Ghana scam where they would try to get your money. So I had to be sure she was real and she was real.

We have had conversations that lasted hours late at night and early for her. And we kept communicating expressing our love. She didn’t trust me as much as I couldn’t trust her. For all I was broken up because of an online thing where my ex talked to someone online so I didn’t trust it.

But her every word has touched me and it is as if I am diving in deep going in blind like she is with me. But I have to trust she is not in my life to go away. I know she wants to be apart of my life real bad, just like me. It is a craving I can’t explain and it will be worth it that we will be together as much as if we will fight it.

“I’m gonna stand by you even if we are breaking down we could find a way to break through, even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you Love your not alone because I’m gonna stand by you.” By Rachel Platton

This is us and it will be with us. There will be many challenges, but we will make it work. Some say to be careful, but in love you have to be willing to fight for it even if you have to plummet with that someone and live outdoors you’ve got to do it for that love. If is comes to that.

Because this crappy system in America will take your money and not care about love because everyone is on their own and they are tearing families apart. I’d rather be living outside going on blind faith with a potential love that I will meet and she will be apart of my life. Then someone who lives in a house in prison and not able to have my freedom for love. And if I have to live in the outdoors risking frost bite and shivering with her everyday to be cold I will do it. We will work harder to get out of our situation despite who is willing to help or not.

The fact is there have been people in high position and I’m talking to you my old job who have wished poverty on me or my friends constantly putting us down even criticizing me for writing a book that you will never be able to comprehend.

They never truly see the passion I have and they don’t know I will be willing to risk my comfortable life just to live in the outdoors with my one I will have love. This is the risk I will have to take.

Image by Frank Park from

The fact is I will have a business I will have a house I will have a family I will travel and I will spread my message of love.

And if anyone who doesn’t believe me I will say Fuck You.


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